Striving For More

Although they come from 2 separate passages, when I look at this picture 2 verses come to mind:
-Jesus’ question: “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” (Matthew 9:28)
-My answer: “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

Favorite quote from favorite 1950’s movie, Harvey with Jimmy Stewart

Because God knows I need more social network thingies to keep up with, I thought I’d post a few photos on here that I can use for Pinterest…but also make a legitmate post on here—and I can describe things in more detail on here anyways. I was recently thinking about some of my favorite places in the world. Some are here, in Ohio, others are other places around the Continent. Below are some of the places where some of my best memories and/or reflections were made. So here goes nothing…

The first photo here is of me, my biological family and mi familia catracha de Irias. I loved Honduras so much and it’s been 7 years now since my last visit. This is far too long.

The second is of my favorite local spot in Costa Rica—El Parque Bosque in San Francisco de Dos Rios, Zapote. I would come to this park so often to read, journal and reflect on what I was learning while down there. I called it Narnia because of the one lampost amongst many trees and still have a rock from the cement that holds said lampost.

This third picture is the view from Bible Point in Estes Park, Colorado. It overlooks the YMCA of The Rockies that I spent the best summer of my life. I may go back there someday. Only God knows…

The fourth and fifth pictures became my go-to spot all 4 years I was at MVNU—the reflection pond. While other students found it to be a good makeout spot, I always went there to do as its name suggests—reflect. When I thought about transferring, when I was deciding to drop out for a semester, when I was wrestling with complicated relationships—I always went to the pictured bench at the reflection pond to talk it over with God. I enjoyed it even more when it was lit up at night.

The sixth picture is of my favorite spot in the world—a secret, undisclosed place that I have christened my “W.o.E.” or “Way of Escape.” Since early high school til today, I have gone back to this same spot whenever I return to my parents house. I love it there. It has one of the best views in the world.

The last picture is of new spot that I enjoy going. I’m not sure if I’m really allowed to go there, but there aren’t any “no trespassing” signs or anything like that, so I don’t feel bad going there occasionally. This place is a broken down schoolhouse. The roof was blown off, and it the brick walls show damage of some other kind. I go here to remind myself of my brokenness. I’ve written alot in this place too; it seems to channel some sort of creative side in me. Very peaceful.

Time after time, failure after failure, this song always tend to pick me up a bit. I’m not sure if it’s by a Christian band or not, but I can almost hear God saying something similar to me during those times when I screw up and get discouraged—especially the part about how things will still be ok “even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself.” It kinda helps remind me that there is grace even for a failure like me. Anyways, listen, read the lyrics, and be inspired (or something like that).

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win
but if I lose, ooh, I don’t know
I’ll be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing ‘til I get there then I’ll know
Ohh, I will know

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that’s shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

The winter’s cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that’s shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

You got to keep it up
And don’t give up
And chase your dreams
And you will find
All in time

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that’s shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

All will be well
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell
You can ask me how but only time will tell

Read these lyrics and listen to this song and ask yourself if you truly believe them.
I always wrestle with placing my value in how the world may identify me rather than the truths of my identity in God that this song so beautifully describes. Listen, read and hopefully be reminded that no matter what you say, do or think, you are His beloved…and He loves you as you are.

Lord it was you
who created the heavens
Lord it was your hand
That put the stars in their place
Lord it was your voice
That commands the morning
even oceans and their waves
bow at your feet

Lord who am I
compared to your glory Oh Lord
Lord who am I compared to your majesty

I’m your beloved
Your creation
and you love me as I am
Yo have called me chosen
for your people
Unashamed to call me your own
I’m your beloved

Lord it was you
Who created the heavens
Lord it was your hand
that put the stars in their place
Lord it was your voice
that commands the morning
even oceans and their waves
bow at your feet

I’m your beloved
Your Creation
and you love me as i am
you have called me chosen
for your kingdom
Unashamed to call me your own
I’m your beloved

On this Valentines Day Eve, I would like to share with you something that’s been on my mind recently.
I’ve found that over the past couple months, my relationship with God has kinda been waning. I’ve asked myself time again why this is, and why I keep going to other things instead of going to God. It was over the h2o winter retreat as I treaded through some inches of snow that I realized just why. Like what happens in some earthly relationships, my relationship with God had “lost it’s excitement” and I had begun to pursue that excitement in other places. I tried so hard to regain some sense of joy and excitement in various things the world has to offer, but it always has left me feeling unsatisfied, discontent and empty. Then, I remembered all the times that I really connected with God, the times that my relationship with Him was closest. And I remembered that those have been some of the best times in my life—I was on top of the world and nothing the world has could ever give me that kind of joy. So, after realizing all this, I came to make a sort of goal for myself: to bring back the excitement in my relationship with God. Whether that means new, creative ways of connecting with Him, going to quiet, peaceful places to spend extended time with Him, or even just dedicating more time to growing with Him, I want to regain the excitement I once had. One big way that I think will help this is my getting rebaptized. Basically, over my years in college, I have learned what it means to define my faith as my own and really grown more spiritually once the responsibility rested solely with me. I have also found an amazing church family at the h2o church at OSU and I wish to take the step and make a declaration through my getting rebaptized to say, “I am a new man in Christ, more now than ever before, and I want to let my church family know and keep me accountable in continuing to pursue this growth.” Also, when I was originally baptized, I was pretty young and don’t think I really understood what I was doing or saying by getting baptized; I just remembered I was excited at another chance for attention as the whole church would come watch me. Anyways, if you have any questions about it, I’d love to talk you about it. Another big thing that will help I think is the spring break trip I’m going on with h2o to Florida—a week of extended time with God and an amazing community of believers dedicated to listening and getting close to both.
So that’s basically it. I challenge both the single, dating and married alike to ponder this question: What can you do this Valentines Day (or whenever) to make your relationship with God more exciting?

Last Sunday I did something that I feel like I haven’t done in ages—after dropping off my little sister to youth group, I walked inside the large, dark sanctuary (which as creepy as it sounds was a very awesome atmosphere) and walked over to where the cross stood in front of the left side of the stage. There, I kneeled at the foot of it and just…talked to God. There’s something about doing that at the foot of the cross that made me feel so much closer to Him. I talked to Him about my problems, my worries, my struggles, and what I needed prayer for. It felt like ages since I’ve been that close to God. And as I got up to leave, these words entered my head:

“It does not have to end at this cross

It does not have to end in this church

It  is not limited by a building

It is not limited by a worship band

All that is required…is you and Me.”

And that’s when it hit me just how much and how often I (whether consciously or subconsciously) limit God’s presence in my life. For the past several months, it’s just been God at church and during worship time (and sometimes not even then) that I felt like God could move me. No other time. And while I’m still wrestling with this, it’s become more clear now than it ever has been. I don’t have to be at a retreat or in a building to experience God. It can happen anywhere, anytime, in any way. And while it may be “easier” to experience in those kind of settings, it’s very narrow-minded to think that those are the only places God can move in. When in reality, God can move just as much (or even more) in a place as common as a college dorm room or a local café. While I still struggle with this truth and haven’t always been true to putting into practice by spending more time with Him outside of church, God continues to show me it’s truth by experiences like I had at that cross—where I wasn’t really intentionally seeking out God in a setting like a church service, but found Him nonetheless. Thanks God for revealing to me this truth and help me to truly believe it more and more each day.

Looking ahead to 2011, a year with the theme of redemption

I saw my sister do a post in which she went back over the past 12 months and pulled important things out of each one. I thought it would be cool to do the same kinda thing but with my own twist. I was listening to the Relient K cd “Mmhmm” the other day and realized how every song seemed to relate to a different spot in life I was in this past year. So I am going to copy some (if not all) of the lyrics to the songs and then comment on how I felt they related to where I was at in life at various times this past year. It’s different, but I thought it was worth a try. So here goes.

“The One I’m Waiting For”

The way that girl can break a heart
It’s like a work of art
And this is the worst part
She knows it
…
So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for…

Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

So this one refers to a decision I made after I got back from Colorado—I finally decided to tell the girl I’ve liked for practically 5 years just how I felt. This is the first time I’ve done something like this since I asked out my one and only girlfriend I had back in high school. At first I thought it was gonna work out. Both her friends and she herself told me she’s talked about marrying me if I ever started something. So I finally took the initiative and did. She said she needed time to wait. I did. We didn’t see each other a ton since we are at separate schools and neither of us drove up to each other’s school very often. So I would call her occasionally, not knowing this turned her off—lack of communication during this whole process is what seemed to be the common theme. Then, finally, after apologizing in an email for being impatient for an answer (whether I came off that way or not), she finally gave me one: we were just friends and that probably wasn’t going to ever change. At least she was clear. I only read the email once and that’s all I needed. We haven’t talked much since but through the experience I realized just how much I “put so much stock in all of this stuff”—elevating worldly relationships much higher than that with my relationship with God. It’s still difficult getting so close and then having my hopes dashed again, but I need to learn to trust God’s age-old saying for me, “Not this one. Wait a little longer. I’ve got someone even better for you.”

“Be My Escape”

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You…So were You

This is by far my favorite track on the entire CD—it totally encompasses alot of what I’ve felt this past year. “And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me” all of that touches the tip of the iceburg that is the clinical depression I went through when I came back from Costa Rica. At times I literally locked myself in my room and did nothing but sit. Doubt and insecurity followed me every waking hour. I died and ached to get out of that funk and knew only by being with God and other could I get out of it—but the weird thing about depression is the one thing you need most is the one thing you don’t want to do at all: be around people. I finally found the escape that I was looking for as God led me to a replenishing/healing summer in Estes Park Colorado with h2o people from OSU. Thank God.
This song also touches on what I’ve been going through more recently: “I fought You for so long I should have let You in. Oh how we regret those things we do. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin. But so were You…So were You.” I’ve been fighting God and others for awhile in my struggles and desires for independence. It’s caused me to make many mistakes I’m not proud of just to prove a point. But the greatest point of the song lies in this one simple line “But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.”

“High Of 75”

…And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I’ll be depressed.

But I’ll wait outside
Hoping that I’ll catch sight of the sun.
And now I’m sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you’re happy to be alive

This song pretty much sums up Colorado.  “And the forecast I know is that I’ll be depressed”…like I said earlier, that’s what the forecast seemed almost everyday until I found out I got into the Colorado College LT program. “And now I’m sunny with a high of 75 since You took me heavy heart and made it light.” That’s exactly what God did with me through Colorado LT. And for the first time in what seemed like ages I was “happy to be alive.”

“I So Hate Consequences”

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

This is near the end of the song but it sums up kinda where I’m at right now and where I’ve been the past couple months. “And in my heart I so believed the love You felt for me was more than the love I’d wished for all this time.” This is the truth that has taken me years to believe and I still wouldn’t say I fully do but I’m wrestling with more now than I ever have before. Such a difficult but necessary truth to believe for me.

*The next 2 tracks “The Only Thing Worse Than Beating A Dead Horse Is Betting On One” and “My Girl’s Ex-Boyfriend” didn’t really seem to apply to me at all. Haha*

“More Than Useless”

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it, not in the least bit
and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can’t, do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it’s my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

This song is a constant reminder to me of the transformation of mindset that took place in Colorado—from “Whats the purpose? It feels worthless. So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value. I can’t find it, not in the least bit and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you,” to “I’m a little more than useless and when I think that I can’t do this, You promise me that I’ll get through this and do something right, do something right for once.” Utter depression and hopelessness to a deep sense of purpose and security in who I am.

*For “Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet?” the only thing that I remotely am connected to is the banjo in the song because I am hopefully soon buying a banjo and learning how to play it.*

“Let It All Out”

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don’t be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed

Cause we’re so scared to find out
What this life’s all about
So scared we’re going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That’s exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who’s never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I’ll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who’s never known defeat
And I’ll try my best to just forget
That that man isn’t me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you
For you

And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light

The one part in this song that always has and always will strike me the most is this: “And you said I know that this will hurt. But if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear remember: The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.” This is one of the many reasons I go back to why I believe God allowed me to go through such an intense period of depression in my life. I’ve seen how it’s shaped my future for good, specifically with the desire to pursue a career (and a Master’s Degree first) in Christian Counseling to help others cope with what I’ve dealt with as well.

“Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been”
…
‘cause I don’t want you to know where I am
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn’t keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me…

This song sorta reflects my heart for repentance and redemption for the big mistakes I’ve made in 2010. One in particular, is my problems with anger. Most people wouldn’t know it, but over time due to over-tolerance and letting people pretty much walk all over me, I have grown to be a pretty angry person; and like the song says, “I talk to absolutely no one. Couldn’t keep to myself enough. And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.” I blew up finally. I held in all this anger, didn’t communicate it to anyone, then finally got to a breaking point and innocent people had to experience the side effects because I didn’t control it. The chorus of the song, however, is a sort of goal for me for 2011: “I’m sorry for the person I became. I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change. I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again ‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.” Learning from mistakes, being filled with what Jon Shah calls “Godly” Sorrow and moving towards repentance, not guilt.

“Maintain Consciousness”

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
we took prescription drugs but look how much good that did
well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted

Lately it just seems to me
like we’ve got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can’t focus on anything

because its
17, 18, 19 routine
and here at 23 it’s the same old me
and that one thing of the moment
that we all happen to like will
only very temporarily
kinda break the cycle
of the double edged sword
of being lazy and being bored
we just want more and more and more
till it’s all we can afford

to keep our eyes open for just one more day
to keep on hoping that we’ll stumble on a way
to keep our minds open for just one more day
cause its completely up to us
to maintain consciousness

This song seems to really hit on a mentality that I’ve lived too much on—mediocre is acceptable. Matt Thiessen sums it up when he talks about “the cycle of the double edged sword of being lazy and being bored we just want more and more and more till it’s all we can afford.” I definitely have wasted hours, days, even weeks being stuck in that cycle because there’s always that need for more to satisfy but it never will. That’s where I need(ed) to come to the belief (and truly believe it) that Christ is the only substitute that will help me “keep my eyes open for just one more day” and “keep on hoping that I’ll stumble on my way”. Another interesting song with truths that really hit me.

“This Week The Trend”

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it’s this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I’d never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it’s this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don’t want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we’ll get and we haven’t quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

Oddly enough, it took me longer to finish up this blog post because I kept getting distracted. But this song sums up where I’m kinda at now 9 days into 2011. Though I was given plenty of solutions on how to make this year a better one, I find myself asking “What have I done with it?” The last part of the song sums up why I don’t want to let this keep happening either: “Cause I know that I don’t want to die sitting around watching my life go by.” So instead of being “stuck strapped to a chair watching my life blow up,” I want to run with the solution God is always offering. Although, and I think this is what the song is saying, sometimes the pro of messing up throughout life is that it often leads us back to God.

“Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II)”
…
And this is how I choose to live
As if I’m jumping off a cliff
knowing that you’ll save me
and after all the stupid things I did
there’s nothing left that you’d forgive
because you already forgave me
yeah you already forgave me

Keep driving
leave this deceit miles behind me
so far back I’d have to wrap my mind in
just remind me
I keep trying to pick myself up
and then move on
think about the life I’ll have
when this fragile one is gone.

Never forget
there’s life after death and taxes
Forgiveness come
and all of the rest
is what passes away
Death and decay can’t touch us now

Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling traps the one who never fails
I know you’ll never fail me

This song serves as a reminder to me that while this life is important, it’s not all there is: “There’s life after death and taxes.” I’ve always heard of thinking and acting with an eternal mindset and this song kinda helps me put that into perspective.

“When I Go Down”

I’ll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I’m powerless
To dictate my own moods

I’ve thrown away
So many things that could’ve been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they’re ignored
But that’s not the way it works
No that’s not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I’ve learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I’ll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I’m so ready to be found

I’ve thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I’ve thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I’ve thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they’re ignored
But that’s not the way it works
No that’s not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I’ll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I’ll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it’s fallen man’s praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I’m dead and gone
It won’t be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won’t look very far
Cause you’ll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

This song I think most sums up this past year. A year of brokenness, pain and hurt. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—2010 was the worst and yet best year of my entire life. Never have I experienced such pain to the extent as I have in 2010, but also never have I learned such valuable lessons and experienced such redemption and healing. The last stanza sums up pretty much my heart at the end of an epic (both good and bad) year:

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it’s fallen man’s praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I’m dead and gone
It won’t be further from the truth